Story 200: We Daren't Go A-Hunting

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7ro11nDirty: heyyy pretty lady i like youre profile pics

7ro11nDirty: you into the costume thing thats cool

MaryMun: Excuse me?

7ro11nDirty: the sexy librarian getup i can be down with that

MaryMun: Those are my regular clothes. That's just what I look like.

7ro11nDirty: lol sure those glasses are real ;))))

MaryMun: Yes. Yes they are.

7ro11nDirty: damn girl you have an attitude i like that

MaryMun: I think we're done here.

7ro11nDirty: why you have to be a bitch? i wouldn't want to date you anyway your ugly

MaryMun: You know I can still see the start of this chat, right? The whole "I didn't want to go out with you anyway" thing is both sad and immature.

7ro11nDirty: probly a stupid feminist

MaryMun: Yes, one who doesn't date trolls. Goodbye.

7ro11nDirty: oh so your racist is that it???

MaryMun: What?

7ro11nDirty: everyone is so racist here i hate it nobody wants to go out with me just because of how i was born

MaryMun: No, it's because you're being an ass. Nice try though.

7ro11nDirty: you just said its because im a troll and now you pretend its not about race

7ro11nDirty: nice try though

MaryMun: Since when is troll a racist term?

7ro11nDirty: ????

7ro11nDirty: what if I said i wasnt going to date you because your human

MaryMun: I'm sorry. I just now looked at your profile. I didn't realize. I meant "troll" as in someone who tries to rile people up online. I didn't know that you are a literal troll.

7ro11nDirty: thats still racist its a stereotype that we start shit online

MaryMun: I'm not sure the words are related. I think that trolls online are a reference to trolling, which is where you drag bait behind a boat.

7ro11nDirty: i like to fish

7ro11nDirty: so its still racist

MaryMun: I don't think it works that way.

7ro11nDirty: its still offensive so whatever

MaryMun: Fair enough. I apologize for the offense, and promise to make an effort to be more aware in the future. I still think you're an ass though. Just to be clear: that is due to your behavior and not your race.

7ro11nDirty: i would show you such a good time baby

7ro11nDirty: take you back to my bridge

MaryMun: Your bridge?

7ro11nDirty: yeah i live under a really nice bridge i get wifi free from the hotel and theres the river and i have a cave hollowed out all old school

MaryMun: I'll pass.

7ro11nDirty: i wont eat you i swear nobody does that anymore much except for holidays

7ro11nDirty: but im not really religious

7ro11nDirty: im spiritual though

MaryMun: Look, maybe it is a little... not racist, but ethnocentrist or something. But whatever it is, I just don't like the idea of hanging out under a bridge.

7ro11nDirty: yeah but its all classy like in the lord of the rings

7ro11nDirty: like the hobbit houses

7ro11nDirty: but maybe wetter and more moss

MaryMun: And you were still an ass a minute ago. I haven't forgotten that.

7ro11nDirty: moss is good for you

7ro11nDirty: plus its soft on your feet

MaryMun: Good luck finding someone.

7ro11nDirty: im awesome in bed

MaryMun: Goodbye.

7ro11nDirty: i mean not an actual bed i break those but if you put some mattresses down i will rock your world

7ro11nDirty: and ill cook you for breakfast

7ro11nDirty: i meant to say cook you beakfast

7ro11nDirty: not actually cook you and eat you or anything

7ro11nDirty: because i dont do that

7ro11nDirty: thats not a thing

7ro11nDirty: anymore

** USER "7ro11nDirty" ADDED TO IGNORE LIST **

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DEATH: HEY.

DEATH: HEY.

DEATH: HEY.

DEATH: HEY.

DEATH: HEY.

DEATH: HEY.

MaryMun: Sorry, I was AFK. What's up?

DEATH: COME OUTSIDE.

MaryMun: Not happening.

DEATH: COME CHECK OUT THIS SWEET CAR.

MaryMun: You're death. I know it's a trap.

DEATH: NO IT IS NOT A TRAP.

DEATH: IT IS A SWEET CAR. I SWEAR.

MaryMun: I don't see it.

DEATH: YOU CANNOT SEE IT FROM THE WINDOW. COME OUTSIDE.

DEATH: YOU CAN SEE IT BEST FROM THE STREET. STAND IN THE STREET AND LOOK EAST.

MaryMun: This is pathetic. You lost, okay? Let it go.

DEATH: IT IS ALMOST HERE. QUICKLY, COME OUTSIDE AND LOOK AT THIS SWEET CAR.

DEATH: HURRY

DEATH: HURRY

DEATH: YOU MISSED IT.

DEATH: I HATE YOU.

MaryMun: Man, it's incredible that I managed to see through that clever ruse. It's just amazing.

DEATH: YOU CHEATED AT THAT GAME.

MaryMun: You know I didn't.

DEATH: I NEVER LOSE AT CHESS. I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW TO PLAY ON THE COMPUTER.

MaryMun: Stop being a sore loser, and let it go. You lost, I won, it's over. I'll die again some day, don't be in such a rush. It's creepy.

DEATH: I THINK YOUR GARBAGE DISPOSAL IS BROKEN.

MaryMun: Sweet jebus. Are you seriously doing this?

DEATH: YOU SHOULD REACH IN AND CHECK IF SOMETHING IS STUCK IN THERE. IT COULD BE SOMETHING VALUABLE.

** USER [error: user not found] ADDED TO IGNORE LIST **

DEATH: NOTHING CAN STOP DEATH.

MaryMun: I'm going to file a complaint or something.

DEATH: THERE ARE TECHNICALLY NO RULES ABOUT HARASSMENT. THE EMPLOYEE MANUAL WAS WRITTEN AT THE DAWN OF TIME.

DEATH: WE WERE NOT SO WORRIED ABOUT LAWSUITS BACK THEN.

MaryMun: I meant with the dating site.

DEATH: I AM ONLY USING THIS SITE AS A CONDUIT. I DO NOT HAVE AN ACCOUNT, ALTHOUGH I HAVE OFTEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT. I GET SO LONELY.

MaryMun: You know, I talked to a zombie on here last week.

DEATH: YOU SHOULD GO ON A DATE WITH HIM. USE FOOD-SCENTED SHAMPOO.

MaryMun: What I mean is, I bet there's something in your employee manual about letting people run around after they die.

DEATH: NECROMANCY IS ALLOWED WITHIN CERTAIN GUIDELINES.

MaryMun: My roommate Nancy in college was studying necromancy, so I'm aware. I learned a lot, including the difference between animated dead and a full-blown undying corpse. Almost like someone just forgot to collect him...

DEATH: I HAVE BEEN BUSY.

MaryMun: I'm sure you wouldn't want me bringing oversights like that to anyone's attention...

DEATH: FINE.

DEATH: YOU WIN AGAIN, MORTAL. BUT YOU CANNOT DEFY ME FOREVER.

MaryMun: Understood. Now shoo.

DEATH: WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE, SINCE THIS IS A DATING SITE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET ME FOR DINNER?

MaryMun: Would you swear an oath that I won't die during our date, or as a result of our date?

DEATH: YOU TAKE ALL THE EXCITEMENT OUT OF EVERYTHING.

DEATH: LIVE ON THE WILD SIDE.

MaryMun: Where would the anthropomorphic representation of death even take someone on a date?

DEATH: I AM OMNIPRESENT, BUT I WOULD PREFER TO STAY ON THE WEST SIDE OF TOWN. I KNOW A NICE ITALLIAN PLACE.

MaryMun: Do you even eat?

DEATH: NO, BUT I COLLECT PEOPLE FROM THIS RESTAURANT SOMETIMES.

MaryMun: For what?

DEATH: FOOD POISONING.

MaryMun: Goodbye.

DEATH: SHIT.

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Ponyboy118: Listen. You look hot in those profile pics, there's no point lying about that. But I think we both know that hot chicks are ususally stuck-up and hate men and I don't want to waste my time if that's your thing.

MaryMun: Yeah, I hate men so I made an account on a dating site. That makes sense.

Ponyboy118: Lookes like I called it, another feminist lesbian out to continue the oppression of men.

MaryMun: Checking the profile and... yup! Centaur. Why are all centaurs Men's Rights Activists?

MaryMun: Wait, nevermind, just remembered I don't care.

** USER "Ponyboy118" ADDED TO IGNORE LIST **

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BarneyC: Greetings.

MaryMun: Hey there.

BarneyC: I was looking at your profile and I was... impressed.

MaryMun: Hmm. Yours says you're a vampire. Did you notice the part in my profile under "deal breakers" where it says that I don't want anyone who eats humans?

BarneyC: I did. I swear that I have never in my life (or after, heh) fed off of a human. It's simple enough to get blood from a butcher.

BarneyC: And I know everyone says that you can tell the difference between human and animal blood but they're just snobs.

MaryMun: I've heard that about wine too, that even most wine snobs can't tell cheap wine and expensive wine apart in a blind taste test.

BarneyC: Exactly! I had one sip of human blood just out of peer pressure (and even then, it was freely given and the human wasn't killed or turned into a vampire or anything) and I couldn't tell. It maybe tasted a little different, but not better or worse.

MaryMun: Hmm. Okay, I guess you pass the no-eating-people test.

BarneyC: So long as you don't need me to be a vegetarian. :)

MaryMun: Not at all, I like the occasional steak.

BarneyC: Oh no, the S-word!

BarneyC: Just kidding, of course.

MaryMun: Cute. So I see you're a doctor?

BarneyC: Yes, I hold four doctorates. The first one was in medicine but that was a long time ago, I haven't kept up with the new techniques and technologies. Then psychology (also a bit outdated I'm afraid), and then English literature, and then religious studies.

MaryMun: Did that last one cause a problem, with all the holy symbols?

BarneyC: Quite the opposite! Once you see that many conflicting religions lined up next to each other you kind of stop being impressed by any of them.

MaryMun: What about the other things?

BarneyC: Trying to determine what to bring instead of pepper spray if we go on a date?

MaryMun: Just curious.

MaryMun: Well, I was just curious. Now that you've put the thought in my head I do want to plan ahead.

BarneyC: Not a problem.

BarneyC: I have to wear sunglasses during the day because my eyes are sensitive to the sunlight, but I don't burst into flames or sparkle or anything. I hate garlic, but it doesn't hurt me. Holy water is just water. Entering somewhere uninvited or crossing over a river will make me feel all jittery and paranoid for the rest of the day, I'm still not sure why.

MaryMun: What about wooden stakes?

BarneyC: Anything that destroys my heart or brain (or separates my brain from my heart, like beheading). It doesn't need to be wood or silver or anything like that.

MaryMun: Good to know. Any perks to being a vampire?

BarneyC: Some. I get to live a long time, obviously. I'm just a tad stronger and faster than your average athlete, without having to work out. I don't get sick, unless I try to eat something other than blood.
I miss coffee. I still make it sometimes, and then just smell it.

MaryMun: That's pretty depressing.

BarneyC: Sorry to be a downer. I promise I'm usually fun on a date.

MaryMun: Well, what would a date with you look like?

BarneyC: Not sure, it doesn't show up on film.

BarneyC: Get it?

MaryMun: Yeah. Is that your whole answer?

BarneyC: Sorry.

BarneyC: Well, I was thinking we could meet at your place and I do a little globeharping.

MaryMun: I'm not familiar with that term.

BarneyC: You probably just know it by another name. Here, try this: [LINK]

MaryMun: Sweet jebus! Why in the world would you think that I would be into that?

BarneyC: Oh, sorry, I didn't know that wasn't your thing.

MaryMun: Of course that's not my thing! That's not anyone's thing!

BarneyC: I don't know about that.

MaryMun: Fine, let me put it this way: There are few enough people out there who would be into that that you assuming I would be is completely absurd. Better?

BarneyC: It's fun, you might like it.

MaryMun: Nope! There's no possible way I could like that. There's not even good odds that I would survive that.

BarneyC: It's okay, I have all the right equipment so it's really pretty safe.

** USER "BarneyC" ADDED TO IGNORE LIST **

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Cweed420: Hey how about going out with me??

MaryMun: Well this is a dating site, so I guess I should at least be open to the possibility.

Cweed420: You should call me.

MaryMun: Let's stick to chat right now.

Cweed420: I'm way more persuasive over the phone.

MaryMun: Is this a mind control thing?

Cweed420: No.

Cweed420: Maybe.

Cweed420: It's just a thing I do.

MaryMun: Getting me to go out with you by using mind control is pretty much rape.

Cweed420: Well there would be no sex involved. I'm a siren, I just lure people over to my place.

MaryMun: And then drown them?

Cweed420: That was when I lived underwater. Now I have an apartment, so they just hang out for a while.

Cweed420: Do you like Halo? I have an xBox, we could play Halo together.

MaryMun: Wow.

Cweed420: It's not anything creepy. You would just hear my hypnotic voice and then go to my apartment and chill on the couch for a while eating Chex Mix until I fall asleep. Then you could leave.

MaryMun: Saying "it's not anything creepy" doesn't make that true.

** USER "Cweed420" ADDED TO IGNORE LIST **

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Seamus999: Have you ever thought about investing in fairy gold? This limited time offer would put you on track to own your very own pot of Leprechaun currency, accepted in the Seelie and Unseelie courts! All you have to do is type 'I agree' into this chat window, signifying that you have read and agree to the terms stated in the contract, which can be provided upon request once you have accepted the offer.

** USER "Seamus999" ADDED TO IGNORE LIST **

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BullHeaded: Hey there.

MaryMun: Hello.

BullHeaded: I know this is a strange way to start a conversation and I don't want to freak you out, but I have to ask an odd question.

MaryMun: Okay, shoot.

BullHeaded: Are you a fairy, or a harpy, or a mermaid or anything?

MaryMun: Nope. Totally human.

BullHeaded: Okay. Sorry. It's just that for some reason this dating site seems to have a lot of mythological creatures on it, and most of them are awful in one way or another.

MaryMun: I noticed. I'm glad it's not just me.

BullHeaded: Yeah, I guess we have that in common already.

MaryMun: So, mister normal human... what kinds of things do you like?

BullHeaded: Oh, I'm not a human.

MaryMun: What?

BullHeaded: Sorry, I can see how you would think that. My bad. I'm actually a minotaur, I just don't like most other mythological beings. I didn't mean to mislead you or anything.

MaryMun: No problem. I'm not really well-read when it comes to minotaurs, though. Is there anything in particular I should know?

BullHeaded: Well, for me specifically you should know that I like to cook, and read, and take walks on the beach.

BullHeaded: For minotaurs in general... I guess the main things to know is that we are the cursed offspring of humans and magical cattle - which actually happens more often than you would think. We all have no sense of direction, and require a special diet.

MaryMun: What kind of diet?

BullHeaded: It's just every few years.

MaryMun: What is?

BullHeaded: The diet.

MaryMun: What do you have to eat?

BullHeaded: Humans, but it's not like I'm a vampire or anything. It's just a few people every couple of years. It averages out to less than one a year, and I just ate last week so you would be completely safe.

MaryMun: Sorry, I have a policy against dating anyone who eats humans. It's right there in my profile.

BullHeaded: I was just trying to be honest with you.

MaryMun: Yes, and I appreciate that. But this policy is non-negotiable. I won't date anything that eats people.

BullHeaded: Well, good luck finding anyone on this site then.

MaryMun: Believe it or not, this is still better than most dating sites.

** USER "BullHeaded" ADDED TO IGNORE LIST **

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