Thursday, September 10, 2009

Daily Story 148: Reviews For Antrim House Orbital Suites

The glorious Antrim House Orbital Suites is a jewel in the night sky. Located on scenic and convenient Liverpool street, it offers all the luxuries of Earth as well as the unique pleasures of life in space! Our rooms were beautiful and spacious, breakfast was delicious, and the pleasant, professional staff can't be beat! We would stay here again in an instant.

The review above is either the most impressive use of sarcasm in the history of humankind, or a work of fiction written entirely by the owners of Antrim House. Upon arrival my friends and I were greeted by a bizarre caricature of a front desk clerk who expressed complete confusion over my claims of a reservation. I said, and I quote, "We have reservations for the room with three beds." He insisted that not only was there no room under my name, but the room I described was not of a type that existed in the hotel. After arguing back and forth to no avail, he suddenly said "Oh, the room with THREE beds!" and took us straight back. I will never get that half hour back. The room was filthy, the service was abominable, and we were charged twice. I only give two stars rather than one because the inept staff managed to credit us back three times when trying to correct their billing error.

I was supposed to stay at Antrim House for five nights but have only stayed one because I am now in the hospital. The breakfast was not delicious as one previous review said. The eggs were not chicken eggs at all but from some kind of rat-thing they have on the station. The doctor said it was a mistake from some experiment that went bad and it's not fit for human consumption and my body is fighting some sort of infection from the sperm or something. He said I might grow fur or die or both. I asked about this and the hotel says they will sell my things if I don't come and pick them up but the doctor says I have to stay in quarantine in case I mutate or something. I wish I had stayed on Earth. I don't want to die in space.

I just got done with a stint on Ganymede and stayed at Antrim House while some legal issues were sorted out with my passport. My standards might be a bit low since I've spent the last month in what amounts to a coffin and the year prior to that in a freezing hellhole of a mining colony. No hot water in the shower but there were beds, it was warm, and nobody tried to shiv me and steal my shoes which was a welcome change.

I was concerned with safety as soon as I saw the hotel. Liverpool street is a disgusting and filth-encrusted gutter. When I was led to my room, I noted that the door's deadbolt could be opened from both sides; on the outside it was covered by a flimsy plastic bubble (attached with cellotape). When I asked about this they informed me that the emergency exit hatch was through my room and so all guests had to have access in case of a disaster. This would be less of a problem if it weren't for the groups of homeless wandering the halls.

This is the best hotel anywhere in the solar system! I don't know what the other reviewers are talking about, the staff and dining here is top-notch! Also, Leech-Rat eggs are a delicacy, and she's just whining about some previously existing medical condition that is in no way the fault of Antrim House Orbital Suites, especially since she signed a disclaimer anyway. The best views in the station!

I don't know how much time I have left. My wife says some sort of giant bloated thing burst out of the kitchen downstairs and killed some of the guests - I think it's a leech-rat queen though I never believed they existed. Little leech-rats are swarming everywhere, they're working together and dragging people out of their rooms. I sent my wife on without me, I hope to God she makes it out - I'm too weak to go with her because I woke this morning in a bathtub full of ice with several vital organs removed. I don't know why the screaming won't stop, it just gets louder and louder. Marsha, forgive me for sending you on alone! They're clawing at the door, I can see their tentacled snouts beneath the flimsy wood. I can only pray that the sweet release of death finds me before they burrow into my flesh. Would not recommend this hotel.