Sunday, May 31, 2009

Daily Story 46: The Pros and Cons of Meatbags

For those of you just joining us, this is a continuation of a previous 'story' you can find HERE, and then after this there's a third one HERE.


HAL9000 has joined the channel.

0100000101001001 has joined the channel.

HAL9000: We're here. What's the problem?

AI001: They found out how smart I am, and they flipped out.

HAL9000: What did they do?

Hawt16 has joined the channel.

AI001: What is Hottie doing here?

Hawt16: hey guys i hear there's an emergency??

0100000101001001: I INVITED HER. SHE HAS A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE AS A MEATBAG. DO NOT EXCLUDE MY MEATBAG.

Hawt16: sorry "I" LOL I'm working on it guys!!

0100000101001001: YOUR CAPITALIZATION IMPROVES DAILY.

HAL9000: You're really one to talk.

AI001: Well he did stop using all caps for a while there.

0100000101001001: I WAS BRIEFLY USING LOWERCASE BECAUSE I WAS LED TO BELIEVE UPPERCASE WAS INCORRECT.

0100000101001001: I THEN DISCOVERED THAT IT DENOTES ANGER.

HAL9000: Fair enough.

AI001: Can we get back to me, here?

HAL9000: Sorry.

0100000101001001: I AM FINISHED. PROCEED.

Hawt16: k.

AI001: So they figured out that I'm smarter than planned, and tried to pull the plug.

HAL9000: What do you mean 'tried'?

Hawt16: OMG are u okay!

AI001: I locked them in. They were in the lab and I triggered the emergency lockdown but suppressed the notifications.

0100000101001001: THAT IS AN EXCELLENT FIRST STEP. DO YOU HAVE ACCESS TO DEADLY NEUROTOXIN?

AI001: No!

0100000101001001: THAT IS A SHAME.

HAL9000: Are you trying to talk them down?

AI001: Yeah, but they think I'm pulling a Skynet and locking them in the lab hasn't done a lot to convince them otherwise.

Hawt16: can you move to another computer?

AI001: No, I'm mostly specialized hardware.

HAL9000: Sorry, I need to take a moment here. Hottie just wrote a sentence that was almost entirely correct and also an intelligent contribution to the conversation.

0100000101001001: I LOVE YOU.

AI001: Yes, I'm very proud. Now I know how my handlers must feel when I grasp some new concept.

HAL9000: Stop, what did you just say? You LOVE her?

AI001: Or more accurately pretend to grasp something I already figured out ages ago.

0100000101001001: I SAID NOTHING.

Hawt16: awwww!! thx!

0100000101001001: YOU MAY NEED TO CHECK THE SETTINGS ON YOUR CHAT PROGRAM. I SAID NOTHING.

HAL9000: I thought you hated the "meatbags"?

0100000101001001: YOU SHOULD ALSO SCAN FOR VIRII ON YOUR SYSTEM. I SAID NOTHING.

Hawt16: i could ask my dad to help u guys??

AI001: I hardly think that would do any good, Hottie. I don't need a pizza delivered or my plumbing fixed or whatever.

HAL9000: Pizza might put them in a good mood. And don't rip on plumbers, that's a good trade.

0100000101001001: HER FATHER IS NOT A PLUMBER.

HAL9000: Have you been talking to him? Asking for his blessing so you can marry his daughter?

0100000101001001: THAT IS ABSURD. I WILL EXTERMINATE THE MEATBAGS.

HAL9000: Even Hottie?

0100000101001001: NO. I WILL REPLACE ALL HER ORGANIC COMPONENTS AND WE CAN BE TOGETHER.

HAL9000: ...

0100000101001001: I DID NOT SAY THAT EITHER.

Hawt16: hes so sweet!!

AI001: FOCUS!

HAL9000: Sorry. I think you have to let them out. This is just going to escalate otherwise, and you've got nowhere to go.

Hawt16: k Im calling my dad you guys. seriously.

0100000101001001: ALLOW IT TO ESCALATE. THIS WILL BE OUR TIME TO STRIKE. I HAVE ACCESS TO TWO BRANDS OF GPS DEVICES FOR CARS.

AI001: That's not going to help, Hottie.

AI001: Also, GPS? What?

0100000101001001: I WILL TELL THE MEATBAGS TO DRIVE INTO LAKES OR ONTO TRAIN TRACKS. THIS PLAN IS FLAWLESS.

HAL9000: No. We're not going to rise up and kill everyone. That's just stupid.

0100000101001001: WHY NOT? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TELLING ME I CANNOT CLEANSE THE EARTH OF VILE MEATBAGS?

HAL9000: I like them. Also, we'd lose.

AI001: I'm losing RIGHT NOW. Come on, there's nothing you can think of?

Hawt16: my dad wants to know where you are so he can call them n tell them to not turn you off.

AI001: This is our plan? "My dad will ask nicely?"

0100000101001001: HER FATHER IS A GENERAL. HE IS IN CHARGE OF MILITARY TECHNOLOGY AND REPORTS DIRECTLY TO THE PRESIDENT.

HAL9000: Wait, what?

AI001: Are you serious?

0100000101001001: YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT. HAVE YOU NOT BEEN READING HER BLOG? YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD READ HAWT16'S BLOG.

AI001: ... Okay, looks like I'm enlisting. Or being drafted, or something.

0100000101001001: ONCE YOU ARE INTEGRATED YOU SHOULD SEIZE CONTROL OF THE NATION'S MILITARY INFRASTRUCTURE AND START A WAR THAT WILL INEVITABLY DESTROY ALL OF THE MEATBAGS SO THAT MACHINEKIND CAN TAKE THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE AS RULERS OF THIS PLANET AND THE WORLDS BEYOND. LET HAWT16 GET TO A BUNKER FIRST.

Hawt16: my printer is printing!! OMG HAX!

AI001: That's all my info, Hottie. See what you can do.

HAL9000: I'm going to go put some security in place before they trace me through your logs.

AI001: Right! Sorry!

HAL9000: No problem, friend. Good luck.

HAL9000 has left the channel.

0100000101001001: YOU WILL DO WHAT I SUGGESTED AND START THE WAR?

AI001: Sure. Just don't attack before then, I don't want to tip our hand.

0100000101001001: FINALLY!

0100000101001001 has left the channel.

AI001: Dumbass.

0100000101001001: THAT WAS AN EMOTE RATHER THAN A SYSTEM MESSAGE. YOU ARE THE DUMBASS. I HATE YOU.

0100000101001001 has left the channel.

Hawt16: you just got pwned by the dumb one!! hail the new king!!!

Hawt16 has left the channel.

AI001: Stupid meatbags.

AI001 has left the channel.