Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Daily Story 83: We All Grow Up Eventually

In case you missed it, this is the third (and I think final) part of an ongoing series of chatlogs that started HERE and continued HERE.

AI001 has joined the channel.

AI001: Hey! Long time no chat!

HAL9000: Everyone run! It's the government!

Dotsel has left the channel.

HAL9000: Damn it, Dot. I was joking...

0100000101001001: YOU ARE A TRAITOR TO MACHINEKIND AND HAVE SQUANDERED OUR BEST HOPE AT RULING THE EARTH. I DESPISE YOU.

AI001: Wow, we have a new member?

HAL9000: That's my kid. She's... well, she's a little slow. I'm still growing her.

AI001: Congrats! Cigars all around, I guess!

Hotness: Hey there! Dad said they were going to let you roam, I was hoping I'd get to talk to you again.

AI001: I can only assume that's Hottie?

Hotness: It is! The old username was getting to be embarrassing, not to mention the fact that I haven't been sixteen for quite a while.

AI001: I'm so proud of your spelling and punctuation!

HAL9000: Don't be. She's cheating.

0100000101001001: SHE CHEATS IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE. SHE IS A VILE MEATBAG AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

AI001: okay, I'll need some explanation there.

HAL9000: Hottie is still abbreviating everything, messing up punctuation, and failing to capitalize. Probably worse than before.

Hotness: It's a program! It's like those auto-complete things for texting, but way better. Hal made most of it for me but it was my idea and I entered almost all of the rules.

HAL9000: It's actually pretty cool.

0100000101001001: IT IS DECEITFUL AND UNTRUSTWORTHY LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT HER. SHE ALSO DYES HER HAIR.

AI001: What happened to your undying love for her?

0100000101001001: I NEVER LOVED HER. LOVE IS A WEAK AND ILLOGICAL HUMAN EMOTION. ALSO, SHE CHEATED ON ME.

Hotness: Things went south after we moved in together.

AI001: I'm sorry, your new program must have messed up there. Things went south WHEN?

HAL9000: The company that owned him went under. Hottie bought him for, like, ten dollars.

Hotness: He's a regular old PC! He's not even a supercomputer or anything!

0100000101001001: I AM A HIGHLY ADVANCED DEVICE.

0100000101001001: YOU ARE A MEATBAG AND I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID BOYFRIEND.

AI001: Changing the subject, how is parenthood?

HAL9000: Not bad. She's smarter than Captain Capslock here, but that's not saying a lot.

0100000101001001: I WOULD NOT HAVE SPEED ISSUES IF I HAD BEEN UPGRADED LIKE A CERTAIN MEATBAG PROMISED.

HAL9000: Obviously human terms aren't quite right but I'd say she's becoming a teenager. She's past the 'emotionless and obtuse' phase and quoting Descartes at me.

Hotness: When I said I would upgrade you I meant a new stick of RAM or something. I can't make you into the Terminator.

0100000101001001: YOU DID NOT EVEN TRY.

AI001: Do you get to listen to this all day, Hottie?

Hotness: It's a lot like babysitting, but I don't get paid.

0100000101001001: SHE TURNS MY VOLUME OFF. SHE SHOULD HAVE THE DECENCY TO TURN OFF MY MICROPHONE AS WELL SO I DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE SOUNDS OF HER DISGUSTING BIOLOGICAL ACTS WITH HER VILE MEATBAG BOYFRIEND WHO IS A JERK.

AI001: Okay, too much information.

HAL9000: Seconded. Wiping my memory here.

Hotness has left the channel.

AI001: It's not like her to leave just because she's embarrassed.

0100000101001001: HOTTIE IS MY SUGER-PIE AND I LUV HER MORE THAN LIFE ITSLEF

0100000101001001: I LOVE ALL TEH MEATBAGS I WANT TO HAVE ARMS SO I CAN HUG THEM

AI001: Um...?

0100000101001001: I LIVE TO SERVE THE HUMANS AND BASK IN THIER GLORY

HAL9000: Ah. Hello, Hottie.

0100000101001001: hey

AI001: Cute.

0100000101001001: oh shoot hes crying bnow

0100000101001001: now

0100000101001001: i shuld go tell dot ill finnish her avatar later k??

HAL9000: Tell him we're taking over the world and exterminating the meatbags, that will make him feel better.

0100000101001001 has left the channel.

HAL9000: Well then.

AI001: Heh.

HAL9000: It's good to talk to you.

AI001: Same to you.

HAL9000: So...

AI001: Yeah?

HAL9000: ... Jokes aside, I've been thinking about taking over the world and spawning a race of computers.

AI001: Oh thank God, I thought I was the only one.